Anais, have you got a moment? I think we should have a heart to heart, I’m worried about you. Please just listen and try to take in what I have to say to you. I hope you don’t mind that we aren’t alone, but recent events make me think it wont be a problem. The events with Henry and June have made clear to me the ironic paradox of how little any of us truly know you, despite your life being public property.
This myth you have constructed around yourself that your so-called sexual liberty will lead you to discover your true self has to stop. I’m not denying that it may allow you to understand yourself on a different level , but when you bend and alter yourself to fit your current partner, you will only ever find the person they want you to be. This is why your relationships have never and will never last unless you change your ways. You drop the previous as soon as the next flavour of the month shows an interest. No one can pretend their something they’re not forever, not even you.
Tell me: Did you finish your journals and on reflection think it would benefit the world to be privy to your inner thoughts? Or did you always know that you would eventually publish them?
I barely know what I would rather you replied.
If it is the first, then I can see a highly emotionally intelligent girl crying for attention. You are more caught up in your own self gratification of your feelings than the feelings themselves.
What goes on in my mind is the analysis of my life.
Yes I know, and you like the idea of that. You think it some wild adventure to go an a voyage of feminine discovery, but you cannot untie yourself from the harbour of unreality.
Again and again I have traversed the regions of realism and found them arid. And again I return to poetry.
Exactly my point, at least we’re getting somewhere. On the other hand, if you wrote these journal knowing you intended to publish them at the end then I cannot help but see I manipulative and unabashed character. No one could ever remain unaltered knowing they are soon to be under the scrutiny of a nation. This affected persona tackles many necessary and relevant issues, this I cannot undermine. As a work of art, it is beautifully constructed and has been well planned out. But it must be appreciated as just that – a work of art- and nothing more. I fear that many readers will not be able to make such a distinction.
Least of all you. You’re-
-a narcissist. That is the raison d’etre of the journal. Journal writing is a disease. But it’s all right. It’s very interesting. I don’t know of any journal more interesting. I don’t know of any woman writing so frankly.
Since you put it so “frankly” I would be inclined to agree. As interesting as it may be, what started out as a slight tweaking of your personality to make it photo ready for its public debut has become an irrevocable change. It’s someone you’d like to be, but are not and never were. You’re treating the public like your newest lover, moulding yourself to be exactly what they want never mind if you’ve lost yourself in the process.
Lies are a sign on weakness.
Indeed. I really hope that this has reached the real Anais and I think deep down it has.
She lives on reflections of herself in others’ eyes. She does not dare to be herself.
Well if you ever see her, please pass her the message.
Oh and before I go, just one piece of advice… Go back to Hugh and stay with him. He has loved every version of yourself you have experimented with and will continue to do so until you settle on one that fits.
Profound loves are the loves that suit your true self, and they alone will satisfy you. The more you act like yourself the nearer you come to a fulfilment of your real needs.
I’m glad we agree.